so it begins...

Part 1: DECISIONS

Waking up in the morning is a decision everyone makes everyday. Shall I get up? Shall I sleep some more? Shall I stare into nothingness?

The battle between starting the day and extending the night was cut short as the big truck outside the house beeped as it backed up. Beep… beep… beep… The sound still painlessly stabs my chest. Childhood memories last longer than we think, I reminded myself.

I rolled to my other side, still clinging to the Venetian red cotton pillow she gave me on my sixth birthday… or was it the seventh? Ages. She always knew what I want – which things cheer me up… which ones don’t. Memories of her make me feel younger, bringing me back to the innocent past. It’s like a portal to a chasm in my mind – the one that has always been there and will forever just be. Hm. It still has her cucumber-melon scent on it. She still has that smile on her face. Pure innocence.

I was always the sarcastic one. Judgmental and sarcastic. I remember the time when I impatiently rolled my eyes as she cheerfully gave compliments to a classmate with – so I thought – ridiculous fashion sense. Looking back, she was right. Emily’s checkered vest went pretty well with her sunny yellow collared plain blouse that perfectly matched her green retro pants. You know… those pants that fit her bottoms tightly and gradually loosen up as they reach the ankles. Her red flashy earrings complemented her pants and matched her red heeled strappy sandals. It was a retro look… not highly appreciated by everyone in my generation but quite cool. Or is it?

Nevertheless, I know she was right. She was right again. She always was…

Everybody loved her back in high school. She was always the center of attention, the class clown, the energetic kid. She was always game for anything. Again, everybody loved her – girls, guys, even the teachers and staff members in school. Being the stereotypical "opposite" friend, I was the artistic one. I preferred writing down my thoughts, rather than speaking them out the way she does. I made sure I do not get any attention while she totally does the other way around. I carefully chose who my acquaintances were…and they were only limited to a few number – unlike her, she knew almost everyone in school.

The greatest difference of them all was that she enjoyed God. She loved Him, and adored Him. And I did not – much.

I remember the times when she used to constantly invite me to fellowships and to their worship services. Ever since she attended that camp, she said it had changed her life. Whatever that means, I know I don’t need to change my life. I believe in God. What’s the difference? He loves me – sufficient enough for me to live my life. I found it pointless, why she kept on convincing me to shift to her religion, even if she constantly denied that suspected motive.

Was I too closed-minded? Should have I tried accompanying her with these “fellowships” and “services” because she enjoyed being in them? Did I give her a hard time? Perhaps I did. I guess it wouldn’t have hurt if I tried listening to her….

Anyway, what’s the difference? Since she’s been gone, my life had an irregular time signature with a single tone in its chorus. No climax, no verses, no bridges, no refrains. Just the monotonous chorus, over and over again. Does this mean I need her God?

Oh well. Another dramatic start of a brand new day. If she were here, she would’ve said a prayer. Yeah…that would have been the first thing she had done. Talk to her Lord. Thank You, O Lord, for another day. May this day make me happy. Keep me safe from harm. May I do good things for others. May I look pretty today. Amen. Not bad. I can actually pray like them Christians…oh, which of course is something I definitely am.

Finally making a decision, I then walked out from under my crumpled white sheets. I stood lazily beside my bed, staring at the sheets. Hm. White. Innocence. I then smiled. It would be nice to visit her. It’s been almost a year – one ... long ... excruciating year…. I wonder how she is. Joyful, surely. Still full of life and energy. I stretched out my limbs, gave out a deep yawn and sighed. Good job. I grinned, proud of myself for making another decision before starting the day.

I’m visiting Debbie tomorrow.