Ambiguity

I don't care.
If it's not clear for all of you.
All I that matters is ...


... It's clear between us.

Text Message

People here in the classroom are awfully noisy, blabbering in loud, boastful voices ... bla de bla de booing about whatever. And I'm scared of her, for possibly hating me more. She hasn't arrived yet.

ChE 131 1LE

An hour before the examination ends and I scribble a letter on my scratch paper.

Dear yellow pad,

Wala na ko may masabat.
My brain is tired ...
Extracted until dry.
No, wait.
Placed inside the microwave for 15 minutes, served with juices evaporated.
It just did some triathlon - jogged, pedaled, swam - around the acad oval.
I'm sorry, dear ChE131 exam. I cannot meet your thermodynamic and mathematically integrative demands. I am full of moments and couples and forces and equilibria from my terrible, terrible exam yesterday.
I'm sorry yellow pad, for having to rant on you.
I'll get back to my exam now, see if I can still do some outragingly wild guesses on it.
Rawr.
I am this close [insert hand gesture here] to passing my paper unfinished.

After a few moments, I then realized I was staring into space, nothing left in my mind to write on my answer sheet. I tapped my pen's ball on my scratch, looking around the room and seeing people busy with either their calculator, pen, hair strands or with the space around them, making the room ... so ... spacious.

(I checked out my paper and managed to scribble some differential equations and equal signs and boxed final answers.)

30 minutes left ...

... and I seriously have nothing more to write.

The paper was passed unfinished. Oh well.

A Supposed Impulsive Post

As the title is already obvious about it, I was supposed to post an impulsive entry last night. Yes, God was able to talk to me first and heal my emotional wounds before I could rant here online. Hindi Niya ako pinaabot ng net kagabi.

As you, my dear reader, may have noticed, this post is far different from my previous posts. This one’s more conversational … more of like my “Mother’s Day Impasse” thing.

Dapat lip-ot lang ni siya. However, my mind keeps on rambling things and jamming them upon that part of the brain that makes you think before you do anything … more specifically, express ideas and emotions.

I honestly don’t know how I felt last night, or why I felt that way. Bigla na lang ako napa-rant sa laptop ko (which is now healed without much hassle, by the way, much gratitude to w4RL0CK and Dado). Bigla na lang ako na bad trip, and everything I was doing was affected. Ang hirap naman maging tao. A melancholic, to be more particular.

My sensitivity gradually kills me. And I don’t know why it does, why I felt that way. Help me understand all these, Lord. Help me understand my oh-so-pathetic self.

Again, my emotions were all raging up … nagpapatong-patong, nagkakagulo-gulo. And I really don’t like it. In fact, I despise it.

I praise God for calming me down. And I praise God for dealing with me a lot of things. I’m sorry guys, especially for those who are concerned and worried, if I cannot really specify anything. It was between me, my laptop, and my God.

I praise God for making me mature more and more each time. I just pray for those of my friends who are not yet spiritually mature enough, that the Lord may talk to them, and help them realize which things are worth their time – for example, stalking a non Christian over the net over having your quiet time? That’s one major problem we have there. Yup, a biggie. Note: not based on real-life situations (meaning no particular person or instance in mind).

This is why fellowships are important, so we may continue to pray for each other’s struggles, and be there for one another for comfort, for strength, for advice … of course, knowing first and foremost that our true source for all these is our gracious Father.

Owwwkaaaay … masyado na atang spontaneous ang entry na ‘to, that I don’t seem to filter what I write. Every time I think of something I immediately type them down. Okay. That was really random.

Anyway, I just posted so I can say I have updated my blog. I’m sorry, for my readers, kung hindi ko pa na-continue ‘yung story ko, which still has two of its parts to be written.

I thank you, also. Yes, you, my dear reader, for making an effort to know me more and in appreciating my thoughts and ideas. At least you get to read it … which can make me feel like you care or something. Haha. Again, apologies for my presently oh-so-pathetic self. :)

I also plan to post creative outbursts sometime. SOMETIME. And if I may want to. Bleh. :p This is it for now.

Indeed, all kinds of emotions pass – anger, infatuation, sorrow, etc. One thing I know is for sure – that the joy of having a God like Him who has saved us from what our sins can do, and who is forever gracious, will remain forever.

It is my prayer that whatever our emotions may be, this joy will dominate over the insignificant and passing ones.

Thank you for the reminder, Lord.

‘Til next time.

You know you love me.

Wait. Wrong line.

You know He loves you.

XOXO.

Southern Girl.

(That was lousy.)

Pluie, Pluie. Partez S'il Vous Plaît.

Ulan.

Anong meron sa ulan at napapaisip ka … bigla ka lang malulungkot. O ‘di kaya’y, bigla ka lang masasaktan.

Ano ang meron sa ulan at napapaalala ka niya ng mga bagay na pilit mong kinakalimutan?

Ano ang meron sa kanya at parang gusto mong sumabay
… na umiyak.
… na malaglag na lang hanggang malakas mong matamaan ang lupa.
… na mag-ingay sa kalaliman ng iyong puso at isipan.

Ano ang meron sa ulan at napatext ako nang biglaan sa mga taong malapit sa akin?

Nakakatamad gumalaw …
Nakakatamad maligo’t magpaginaw.
Nakakatamad mag-isip.
Nakakatamad rumamdam.

Ayoko nang masaktan.

“Nandito lang Ako, anak.
Tutulungan kitang gumalaw nang hindi ka giniginaw.
Papakinggan ko ang mga iniisip at ang mga nararamdaman mo.
Hindi kita sasaktan.”

Ano ang meron sa ulan at nagiging mapayapa ang kalooban mo?
… kahit na nalungkot ka
… kahit na nasktan ka
… kahit na napapaisip ka
… patuloy ka pa ring nagmamahal at nagtitiwala.

May ulan dahil kailangan natin.
Pinapayagan ng Panginoon na umulan para mas kaya nating ikaligaya ang araw.
Ganun din sa araw – may araw, para matutunan nating ikaligaya ang ulan.

Kung walang ulan, walang bahaghari.

Salamat, Panginoon. Salamat sa ulan.

"My Advice to Her"

Teach yourself to let go and stop expecting him to meet you halfway 'cause he will if he wants to. And he will if he knows how to. Don't bend backwards just to reach him when he deliberately puts a wall between the both of you. Let him learn how to break those walls in time. If he won't, then you don't deserve that. You're better off investing your time and emotions to someone who can nurture you back.

She and I

July 23, 2008
2:29am
Room 218, Yakal Residence Hall

Why does she trust people so easily?

Why does she trust them with her thoughts, with her ideas, with her secrets … with her emotions?

Why can’t people mind their own business sometimes? Just when she thought things were already working out well … then it turns out to be just the beginning of her road to her doom. And it’s all because of people who can’t mind their own business sometimes.

They think they know, but they don’t.

Stress, hormones and struggles with one’s personal quiet times is not a good combination for a female human being. She becomes irritable, emotional, and irrational. Suddenly, people become so insensitive … it’s like everyone’s trying to purposely annoy her or make her drown in self-pity as they see her desperate and unreasonable … and overly sensitive?

But what if it wasn’t the hormones or the stress? What if people really WERE insensitive? What if people did see her as pathetically desperate and overly sensitive?

We all have little adjustments to do. For most women, controlling of emotions is one heck of a struggle. So, guys, please understand. We are doing our best to control these emotions. At least appreciate our efforts by stretching a bit of your patience and tact. Geez. Grow up.

They think they understand, but they don’t.

She doesn’t know how she feels now. Irritated? Definitely not angry. Angry is just too strong and harsh for an emotion. Disappointed, perhaps, by how her some trusted people can fail her at times when she needed them the most.

They think everything’s fine, but it’s not.

She thinks of others all the time. She cares about how they are, what they want, who they want to be with … She just likes being, as what the yellow book would describe her, self-sacrificing, especially if it involves her friends.

But, sometimes, it just hurts. And suddenly, she realized how unfair she has been to herself. And she begins to sulk and drown in self-pity as others don’t really care … or should she say, they haven’t really sensed her self-pity – or even her self-sacrifice – ever since?

And she drowns in self-pity over and over again …

Am I pathetic? Am I alone?

You think you are, my child … but you’re not.